Search
Plan Your Aquarium Visit We'd Love to See You!
From easy timed entry to tours and experiences, your Aquarium experience is just a few clicks away.
Featured Story CEO Announces Plan to Free the Whale Skeleton
In an official statement, John Racanelli said "Whale skeletons can't thrive in such artificial conditions, so we're taking the steps to free this majestic corpse to the ocean floor where it belongs." The New England Aquarium has taken umbridge with the implicit slandering of their whale skeleton program, noting that all experts agree release would be a bad idea and the captive raised skeleton would not be able to survive. The CEO has yet to respond to these points, but has already taken 3 yacht cruises using aquarium funds to find a good location. He went on to say that the skeleton would be well cared-for, as he would be sending its trainers with it to a permanent residence at the bottom of the sea.
An Unforgettable Way to Visit Tours & Experiences
Explore behind the scenes and get up close with our amazing animals.
See the Harbor Anew Introducing Harbor Wetland
Discover our latest exhibit when you visit! Exhibit hours may differ from other Aquarium hours.
News Nobody Wants to Work: Lazy GS Employees Take Day Off in Mass Call-Out Wave
Today, nearly half of GS staff opted to stay home. Leads are taking this very seriously, as the callout wave severely impacted efficiency and profits. They will be handing out attendance points in response. One was overheard saying "It's shocking, really, that anyone would just call out. I would simply come to work regardless of any mass poisonings that my leads may or may not have caused."
Stories National Aquarium CEO Spotted Taking Bath in Moon Jelly Touch-Tank
In what some are calling a majestic and luxurious style, John Racanelli scrubbed his whole body with jellyfish as guests, staff, and volunteers watched.
Announcements We're Delighted to Announce the Opening of our New 4D Bathrooms!
These aren't your grandpa's bathrooms: they're 4D. They squirt water and blow air at you while you piss and/or shit, sometimes even tickle your legs. Tickets are $60.
Announcements CEO Announces the Termination of All Employees in the Guest Engagement Department
In an official statement, he said "Education and engagement with our guests and the public has always been a tertiary goal here at the National Aquarium. We just can't spare the $16/hr. Frankly, the money could be better spent on my 550k a year salary or 100k+ in additional compensation. Or maybe on another dolphin cove yacht cruise. Yeah. Probably another yacht cruise."
Stories National Aquarium Guest Services Leads Sneak into Employee's House at 2:17am to Give Her Attendance Point for Being Off-Post
They went on to give the employee another attendance point for not wearing her nametag. She was, of course, fired on the spot. Good riddance!
Stories New Employee Expresses Hope that Important Cultural Institutions will be Better Managed than Previous Foodservice Jobs.
Get a load of this guy lmao. What a rube.
Stories CEO Celebrates Success of Harbor Wetlands by Inviting Oil Exec Pals to Spill Petrol On It
The river otter announcement was so exciting, John and his rich friends simply couldn't help themselves.
Stories Guest Services Leads Thoughtfully Remind GS Employees that Illness will be Punished with Attendance Points
"We just think the lives of employees and guests are less important than making sure nobody scams the system." said one lead at a mandatory staff meeting. "What's it matter if a dozen or two more people catch walking pneumonia or covid or hand foot and mouth. I mean, can you imagine how inconvenient it would be if we had to remake our schedules, or, god forbid, fill in for one of our employees??"
Announcements Communications Department Announces New Harbor Wetlands Guest Engagement Program
This Friday, paper copies of the new 1283 page script were distributed to all GE employees. In an interview on the matter, the vice president of communications said "What the general non-paying public really wants in their harbor wetlands experience is a 53 hour long interactive presentation teaching them literally every possible thing to know about wetlands as a concept and demanding nonstop interaction. Everyone will stick around for that." Management's stretch goal is to have 1 employee trained to run this program by 2030.
News BREAKING: Aquarist Disappeared During Scheduled Atlantic Reef Dive
Pecorino seen licking lips, laughing in evil manner, and cleaning teeth with little bone toothpick.
Stories Security Employees Find Hours Cut Significantly to mere 105 per Week
After a lengthy discussion, it was decided that security personnel no longer have to work 168 hour weeks; now allowed to sleep.
Announcements CEO Announces Temporary Shutdown of Entire Patapsco River
He has reserved the river to take personal photoshoots with the harbor wetlands river otter today. Guests, boaters, fish, birds, and crabs will be allowed back in tomorrow. We apologize for any inconvenience.